How Could I Say GoodBye?
by JaimeeBabyyx33
Summary: How could a simple car crash change a small Glee club from McKinley when one of their own dies? Santana lost from this world leaves Brittany and Puck wondering how they can go on. Their love, gone forever never being able to say all they wished to...
1. Chapter 1

***Disclaimer I do not own Glee*  
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Chapter One

"No, no, no, no, no, NO! This _cannot _be happening!" Puck tried to convince himself. "Brittany, are you absolutely sure she's dead?"

"Yes," sobbed Brittany "She was on the phone with me, and I heard the whole accident." It was hard to understand what she was saying, she was crying so hard.

Puck fell back into a chair he couldn't believe it. Santana was gone, it couldn't be true. Without any control over it, his eyes filled with tears and he was flooded with memories of the times they had together.

"Guys, don't get worked up just yet. Maybe she is just in the hospital. I'm going to make a few phone calls and figure all of this out, until then just calm down." Will didn't want to believe it either, sure Santana always had something mean to say but deep down she couldn't be all that bad. He practically ran to Figgins' office. He was on the phone so Will waited outside. As soon as he got off the phone, Figgins put his head in his hands and Will threw the door open.

"Oh! Will, I was hoping to see you. I have some terrible news about one of your Glee kids. You see the-"

"It's Santana isn't it? She's dead, she's really dead?" Will interrupted, tears already starting to spring into his eyes.

Figgins just nodded with one of his most sympathetic looks. Will was in shock. What could have happened? He had seen her just that morning.

"How?" he whispered so quietly he was surprised Figgins even heard him.

"Car accident, according to the Police she was speeding down the road and as she passed an intersection someone slammed into her, the car rolled over a few times and she was dead on the spot."

Will couldn't believe this, any of this. He slowly walked back to the choir room. When he stepped through the doors he was immediately surrounded by his students. When he looked into their inquiring faces he couldn't make out the words they all needed to hear. But when they looked at him they all seemed to know what he couldn't say.

"It's true isn't it?" Rachel couldn't help but ask.

"Yes."

So fast, all Will saw was a blur, Puck was running out of the choir room and down the hallway. He had to get out, it couldn't be true, and he was going to find Santana. With tears running down his face he drove to her house. He bolted up into the apartment to the third floor and pounded on the door that read A-9. The door was opened by a teary-eyed Ms. Lopez, "Noah, she can't really be gone, could she?"

It was true. He had to face it, he had no idea what to do about it. So as he walked back to his car and drove to McKinley, he sang... it couldn't hurt, right? The song was "Untitled" by Simple Plan.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

Puck couldn't stop thinking about how Santana always said what she thought and meant almost everything she said. Or how her deep, chocolate brown eyes always shone in the sunlight and completely gave away her emotions when her guard wasn't up. Or how her silky, soft, brown hair felt when he played with it and always smelled of vanilla. They had spent so much time together, knew so much about each other. Things they probably would never have told anyone else. And as much as he didn't want to admit it, Puck loved her. Not just loved the sex they had. Or said it just to say it like he did to most girls, but really honest to God loved her. And it was his fault she died.

They were in the auditorium, and Puck had to tell her he couldn't cheat on Lauren anymore. It wasn't right. And if Lauren found out, she would beat the life out of Santana. Which don't get him wrong, Puck always loved a good chick fight, but not at the risk of Santana getting hurt. So he told her they had to stop. Safe to say she didn't take it too well…

_"What are you talking about Puckerman?"_

_"I can't do this to Lauren."_

_"Oh, but you could do it to Quinn and Rachel and all those other girls?"_

_She wouldn't let this go, not without a fight. He had to lie. It would hurt her but she would recover, she's strong._

_"Look Santana, I care about Lauren more than all of those other girls, and I don't care about you! Just don't try, it's not worth it. We're through."_

_He knew none of it was true, he just couldn't let her get hurt. And Lauren would _definitely _hurt her. He figured it would just roll off of her and she wouldn't let it phase her, at least noticeably. He thought this until he saw her eyes well up with tears. Before he could stop her, she was running out the doors. He ran after her, but it was too late. The bell had rung and the halls had filled with people._

When his mind came back to reality he found himself balling like a baby. "Pull yourself together Puckerman! You're a Jew, you're not supposed to be so weak!" he told himself as he punched the steering wheel. It wasn't until he was ready to go back into school that he saw Lauren sitting on a bench watching him. He got out of the car and went over to her.

"You're a wreck, I expected you'd be sad but not this depressed."

He wasn't in the mood to deal with consequences, or people judging him. And he most defiantly didn't plan on lying seeing as that just caused a death. So he said what he wanted to say.

"I loved her. Okay? I LOVED HER! I can't help but be sad. I could tell her anything and everything, but now she's gone. She's never coming back and it's _my _fault!"

"Noa-"

"Don't call me that."

"Puck… it was an _accident_. It was no one's fault."

"That's what you think. You don't know _anything_! _No one _knows _anything_! No one knows the last things I said to her, except maybe Brittany. No one knows." He couldn't take it, he fell to his knees, and before he knew it he was praying.

"God please, please, _please _God, let her forgive me. Let her know how much I really did care. And just take this pain away, I'll do _anything_!"

He just sat there for a few minutes until Lauren was pulling him to his feet. As the two of them walked into the school, back to the choir room, he was singing "Seize the Day" by Avenged Sevenfold._  
><em>


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

The rest of the day went by in a teary-eyed blur for Brittany. Obviously Glee club was cancelled so Quinn drove her home because she was in no state to drive. Artie got a ride from his dad and stayed with her all day, until her dad kicked him out. He tried comforting her and she gave him credit for that even though he was terrible at it. She didn't want to do anything; all she wanted was to be alone. But when she finally was all she wanted was to be surrounded because she just couldn't handle it. Santana was her best friend and she loved her both as a friend and as more. Why did it have to happen to Santana? Why did it have to be Artie who lost his legs? The truly amazing people always seem to be the ones who lose. There was really only one person who knew exactly what Brittany was going through. She grabbed her cell phone and texted the only person who understood.

I need you, and I know you need someone going through the same pain you are.

Ten minutes later Puck was at Brittany's door. She was so happy he actually came she lunged at him and gave him the biggest hug she could muster. He returned the hug, tightening his arms around her waist. When the embrace ended Puck was the first to speak. "Brittany, I wanna bring you somewhere, it's where I've been all night."

She followed him wondering where he was bringing her, but not really caring too much. She wasn't one to think too deeply into things. They walked in silence which Brittany loved but also hated, for the same reason; it made her think. So instead of thinking she just noticed all of her surroundings. Tonight the moon was one of those moons that look like the Cheshire cat smiling, Brittany's personal favorite. And the trees were just starting to get their leaves back from the winter. When she looked at her phone she saw that today was May 2nd and she was never going to forget. It would be forever etched into her memory. Her thoughts continued as random little nothings, as usual, until Puck stopped walking and she bumped into him.

"Oh, crap! Sorry about that. Why'd you stop?"

"We're here." he muttered, just staring off into the distance.

Brittany tried looking out at where they had arrived, but it was so dark she couldn't see anything. "What's 'here'?"

"Lost Creek Reservoir, Santana loved it here. We used to come all the time. We would walk on the sand, or take out my boat, and sometimes we would just lie down on a blanket and watch the stars glimmer in the sky." Not wanting to just stand there akwardly, Puck simply laid down on the sand and thought. Mostly about Santana but when he tried not to he just thought about how he had to end things with Lauren.

He didn't even notice Brittany laying down next to him until she spoke. "I wonder what Santana's doing right now…"

"What do you think she's doing?" He asked sensitively, but a little harsh, which he didnt mean to do. He didn't want to be mean to Brittany but what kind of statement was that? Santana is dead; she's not doing anything but lying (if she's even in one piece) in a morgue waiting to be buried six feet under. But what Brittany said next surprised him and even made him smile a little bit.

"I think she's up in heaven, telling all the angels their flaws, and having lunch with Jesus while she looks down at us."

That sounded really nice. Puck wanted to believe it; it sure would make her being gone more bearable if she was happy. But not all of us could be as lucky as Brittany and actually believe things could be so serine and simple. _You know what Puckerman? Why not? What harm could it do? I think I might actually pretend that's what she's doing every time I miss her. _"You know Brittany, I think your right."


	4. Chapter 4

**Please Review :]**

Chapter Four

Puck awoke the next morning with the warmth of someone lying on his chest. When he looked down and saw blonde hair it took him a few seconds to remember that it was Brittany, and where they were. _What time is it? _Not wanting to disturb Brittany, who looked so peaceful in her slumber, Puck carefully got his phone out of his pocket. When he looked at the time he saw 7:03 and the date, Tuesday May 3rd. School had started three minutes ago. Eh, oh well, what did he care? And it's not like people can use the whole "Oh, well Santana would have wanted you to go to school" excuse for making him go, because he knew just as well as the rest of them that his school attendance was the least of Santana's worries. But there was always Brittany, maybe she cared if she missed school or not. However, she looked very happy sleeping, he would hate to wake her up. Besides she needs her sleep, grief takes a toll on your sleeping habits. Puck would know, his father left when he was six and he had a hard time sleeping after that for months. While debating whether or not to wake Brittany, she made the decision for him. He could feel her waking up because she was moving and stretching.

"Wha- what time is it?" She asked, her voice very scratchy.

"Umm, hold on," He looked at his phone again, "7:10."

"Ugh, we're late for school." She put her head back down on his chest. "Should we even bother going?

"It's all up to you, it doesn't really matter to me either way."

"Well the funeral is tomorrow, that would be a lot of skipping." Puck never pictured Brittany as the 'I care if I miss school' type. Maybe it's just because she's a little dim. He should really stop judging people.

"So we should go?"

"I guess, you drove here right?"

"Yes."

"Will you drive me back home? And I guess I'll see you at school."

"Sure, no problem" Puck most defiantly wasn't looking forward to school, but what could it hurt? _Plenty _said a small voice in the back of his head, he tried to ignore it.

* * *

><p>About 15 minutes later, Brittany was on her way to school. She didn't do much to make herself look pretty today. No make-up because she'd probably end up crying and ruining it anyway, Took a shower, blow dried her hair and just threw it in a pony tail so she didn't have to deal with it, and was just wearing sweatpants. There was no point in looking good today, who was there to impress? She fiddled with the radio until she was listening to a song she liked; too bad it was at the ending. Then she heard the words "Took my love and I took it down. Climbed a mountain and I turned around<em>." <em>She immediately turned off the radio to made sure she didn't cry. A few seconds later she pulled into the school parking lot, it was 7:38. She wasn't too late.

The day was going by slow, probably because she couldn't wait until glee club. When the last bell finally rang, she was the first into the choir room. She sat off in a corner and watched everyone enter. Mr. Schue was the last one to come in. He went straight to the white board and wrote 'Loss'. "Ok kids, this week in light of recent events your assignment is to sing a song about death and honoring someone who has died, or how their death made you feel. Not necessarily about Santana, it can be about anyone. And tomorrow we're going to sing "If I Die Young" at the funeral. Get to work."

Brittany knew right away what song she was going to sing, "My Immortal" by Evanescence. "Mr. Schue, can I go right now?"

"Yeah, sure Brittany." And so she sang her heart out for Santana.

_I'm so tired of being here_  
><em>Suppressed by all my childish fears<em>  
><em>And if you have to leave<em>  
><em>I wish that you would just leave<em>  
><em>'Cause your presence still lingers here<em>  
><em>And it won't leave me alone<em>

_These wounds won't seem to heal_  
><em>This pain is just too real<em>  
><em>There's just too much that time cannot erase<em>

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears_  
><em>When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears<em>  
><em>And I held your hand through all of these years<em>  
><em>But you still have<em>  
><em>All of me<em>

**Sorry if this chapter was a little boring I just needed to write it to progress the story :]**


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

The next morning came too soon for Puck. He didn't want it to be the day of the funeral, but it was. He got dressed into his best black tux, with a black shirt underneath, without any memories popping into his head and depressing him. But when he was putting on his black tie he was invaded with a memory of Santana always fixing his tie for him, and wished she was there. "Noah! You have to get going."

Coming back to reality he shouted back "Yeah, I'm, um, I'm coming now mom!" He grabbed the bouquet of different colored roses, and ran down the stairs, and out the door. As he was starting his car he was giving himself a mental prep. _Ok Puckerman, this is going to be hard. You're going to have to be surrounded by her loved ones, and possibly see her one last time…in death, and it will feel really real. You're going to _have_ to stay strong and keep yourself together. No mental breakdowns, not during the funeral. For Santana, you can do this. _When he felt ready he drove to the Lima Community Church. Walking in, he saw a surprising lack of people. He guessed there were about 30 of them. _I must be early_. He recognized Santana's mother, her 13-year-old sister, the glee club, Will, and Sue. Other than that he didn't know anyone else, probably just her family. He sat down near the other glee kids, and waited for the ceremony to start. In about five minutes the priest was at the head of the church and started his speech.

After him Santana's mother, sister, and as Puck found out later, her grandfather all spoke of her, and her life. Puck didn't realize he was crying until he felt someone putting a tissue into his hand, when he looked, it was Kurt, also teary-eyed. _Why is he crying? He didn't even really know her!_Puck didn't want to get so angry and emotional, it was just Kurt, he cried at sad things, always. But for some reason it sent a wave of anger through Puck.

"Thanks dude." He whispered, trying to simmer down

At the end of the ceremony, everyone cleared out by making a "U" shape so that anyone who wished to, could walk by the casket and pay their respects. Thankfully, as Puck realized upon walking by, it was a closed casket. He kissed his fingers and placed them on the lid, whispering "I love you Santana, nothing is the same without you. Everything just feels so wrong. I miss you. Have fun in Heaven" Then he did the whole "In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, Amen" thing and walked on. As he followed the crowd to the graveyard behind the church, he wondered why he had said "Have fun in Heaven" he never really believed in Heaven. As he pondered this, Brittany appeared next to him.

"Why couldn't we see her?" She asked in a whisper.

Puck wanted to shake his head in frustration, but it wasn't Brittany's fault she thought so innocently. Contemplating how to say it sensitively he slowly replied "Well, umm, she was in an accident. They wanted people to remember her as her beautiful self, and not all cut up…"

"Oh…" When Puck looked at her he felt her sadness, she was just one of those people who you can't help but empathize with. Her face showed every ounce of emotion she was feeling, if you cared enough to look. Her eyes were bloodshot from crying and the brightest blue he had ever seen. She looked half dead, like incomplete or something. Not to mention she was just so utterly confused being stuck in this cruel world, which didn't help her at all. And from what he could see, she just wanted her best friend back. He pulled her into a tight embrace when they reached the grave site. She seemed surprised but hugged him back, there wasn't much Puck could do, but it was something, being there, comforting her. As he and Brittany stood with all the other people in the New Directions, they watched the dark mahogany casket slowly be lowered into the ground. After the dirt was shoveled on top of it, Puck looked at the tombstone. It was white marble and had the following words engraved into it:

'Santana Lopez  
>324/1994-5/2/2011  
>Loving Daughter, Friend and Sister'<p>

Puck laid the flowers down on top of the dirt, in front of the tombstone. There were many other people following his lead. As he walked back into the crowd of his peers, they started singing "If I Die Young" by Band Perry. Even though it's sung by a girl, everyone in glee club sang, even Sue and Santana's little sister chimed in. It wasn't like most of their songs, where listening made you want to smile and clap at the end. It was more like the kind of song that made you want to cry, because it was sung by 15 sad voices that weren't trying to show off talent, just honor someone who has passed.

* * *

><p>When he walked back to his car the reality of all of this hit him harder than ever before. Like, he knew she was dead and gone forever. But today it was official, more real in a way, and there was no way for him to say the things he wanted. And it was pointless to think them, it's not like she would ever hear them anyway. It was then that he realized what song he was going to sing for the glee assignment, "What Hurts The Most" by Rascal Flatts. He was starting up his car and about to drive off, when he noticed Brittany walking in his direction. He waited about a minute for her, and rolled down his window when she reached him. "Could you give me a ride home?" They way she said it, or maybe it was her tone of voice, but something inside him, some subconscious feeling told him she wanted more than a ride home. Or maybe he was just crazy.<p>

Ignoring his feeling, he replied "Yeah, jump in."


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

Brittany didn't know what she was thinking as she went up to her bedroom with Puck, hand in hand. All she knew was that she was sad, and he had been there for her. She wanted to repay him, and feel happier, even if it were just for a little while. She pushed Puck down onto her bed and started kissing him. It wasn't long before she was unbuttoning his shirt (his jacket to his tux was in his car). Brittany had only gotten through two buttons before he was holding her hands in his, a little too tightly, and sliding out from beneath her. "What's wrong?" she asked.

"What are we doing?"

"Well…I thought it was obvious. We were going to have sex."

"That's not what I meant! I meant why are we doing this? We both know it's wrong, we both know we wouldn't be doing it if Santana were alive, and we both know very well she would definitely kill us if we did. Think about it Brittany."

As tears started to flood into her eyes she let her hair fall down, like a curtain hiding her face from Puck. "I… I just wanted to…" she couldn't finish. What did she want? Her reasons were to pay back Puck, and to be happy. But what kind of reason are those? Besides she knew in her heart Puck was right, she did know it was wrong. How could she ever do this to her best friend?

"Brittany, think. Think about Santana up in heaven looking down at us while she's having lunch with Jesus. It's the day of her funeral; do you really think this is what she wants to happen?"

"No. And by the way, now she would be playing golf, Heaven isn't just about eating lunch."

The thought of Santana ever even _attempting _to play golf made Puck laugh. And once again he couldn't help but envy Brittany's simple mind.

"So, can it be agreed that we put this behind us?"

"Yeah, and I promise it won't happen again." She looked up; she wanted to promise Santana too. "Okay Santana? I promise, he's all yours, and I won't try stealing him again. And I really am sorry." Brittany spoke the words as if Santana were right in front of her. After all people in Heaven heard you even if you whispered, but they hear you better if you say it right to them.

After making amends with Santana, Brittany looked over at Puck, who was staring at her.

"What?"

"You just seem to keep amazing me every day. Artie was insane for calling you stupid, because you're not, and because he completely ruined things with you, and he doesn't know what he's missing out on." With that Puck hugged Brittany and left. Brittany was so confused, what had she done that was so amazing?

* * *

><p>Later that night Puck was playing guitar, well trying to at least, and couldn't stop thinking about how he almost had sex with Brittany a mere two days after Santana was gone. Not to mention he hadn't broken it off with Lauren. It was then that he knew what he had to do right now. So he sent a text<p>

_Meet me at the park, we need to talk._

She would know what park he meant, it was the park they always met at. Puck decided to walk so he could practice what he was going to say until it sounded just right. 30 minutes later he was standing in front of her, all the feelings he had once felt when he looked at her now felt like a distant memory. He remembered wooing her, writing her songs, and treating her like a princess, but now he no longer felt why he ever would. Sure he still cared about her, but only as a friend, nothing else anymore.

"What took you so long? You told _me _to come here." Her eyes were staring at him with an emotion Puck couldn't quite figure out. It was kind of a mixture between anger, expectance, and sadness, but disbelief.

"Sorry, I just had to figure out what I was going to say."

"If you plan on breaking up with me just get it over with, I don't want to waste my time here with unnecessary small talk, and you trying to still be friends or whatever." Her voice was cold, with how he had been acting lately Puck should have figured she saw this coming. As he was trying to get back on track and remember what he was going to say Lauren's angered voice interrupted him. "Before I punch you in your snout box Puckerman, are you going to dump me or not?"

"Yeah, I just don't wa-"

"Ok then, we're through I don't need to stay any longer." She turned to leave.

"No! Lauren wait I'm not leaving it like this. Listen, let me say what I need to say then you can feel free to leave."

"I already know what you're going to say, Puckerman. You're going to say that you loved Santana, and her death is too much for you to handle and you can't handle having more on your plate. The 'more' being me, I get it. And I'm not going to make things even harder on you."

"That's not all, I want you to know I did love you too, and I still care about you. So if you need me I'll still be here."

"First of all, if you really did love me, you wouldn't be using past tense right now. Honestly I think you have to grow up and stop throwing around that you love this person, and you love that person. All of the Glee club does. And unlike you, I actually have feelings for you, and it's not just puppy love, it's real love. Glad to know the feelings aren't mutual." This time when she turned away Puck didn't try to stop her, for a few reasons. One, she was right, about all of it. Second, he could have sworn he saw tears filling into her eyes, and didn't want to humiliate her by making her cry in front of him. And third, he didn't want to sit there and lie to her, and tell her he loved her, when he now realized he probably didn't.

Actually now that he got to thinking, what was love? Did he even love Santana? Was it just puppy love, like how he felt about Lauren? No. He did love Santana, and that's why he didn't feel the same about Lauren as he used to, because he realized that. But if he loved her then why did he almost sleep with Brittany, Santana's _best friend_. Well they do say, 'You don't know what you have until its gone.' maybe that's what happened to him? He didn't know how much he cared about her until she was gone forever. He did stop himself from sleeping with Brittany, before he definitely wouldn't have, that _has _to mean something. Not to mention he has been massively depressed, but would he be just as depressed if say, Quinn died? He didn't know. He had a baby with her, so there had to be some feelings for her that he felt with no one else. But he didn't care about her the way he cared about Santana. This was all too confusing for him, he didn't know what to do or what to think, or what he even felt!

_Okay, maybe I just have to stop thinking and get some sleep._

So he ran home and went to sleep, but he was far from expecting what he awoke from.

**Please remember to review, I get kind of stuck not knowing where to go with things, or even knowing if I'm doing good, so reviews are greatly appreciated. :]**


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